If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
