at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
