Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
