my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize