before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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