I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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