Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
