Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
