It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
