nut hugger
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
