I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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