Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
