he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
