Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
