You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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