I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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