Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
