I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
