3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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