take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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