i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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