If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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