i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
