you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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