I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
