My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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