He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
