Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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