drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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