My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
