i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Randomize
