I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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