First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it's like iHOP with fire
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
