I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you traded sex for a burrito?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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