I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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