beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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