Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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