I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
