He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
