um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
