just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
