i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
