I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
