Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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