I'm so fucking centered right now
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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