"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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