so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
