Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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