I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
