The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
