i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
