The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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