my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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