She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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