How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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