I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We had sex on a dog bed..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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