you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
