I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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