Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
